The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, connection, and celebration, but for a lot of people—including me—they can bring up a mix of grief, regret, and sadness. Once the decorations come down and the family gatherings are over, it’s easy to feel empty—like the highs of the season have vanished, leaving you with nothing but reality to face.

I know this feeling all too well. The holidays are a time I often think back to one of the lowest points in my life—December 2019. That year was filled with loss, addiction, and mistakes that left a lasting mark on me. But now, in recovery, I’m learning how to process those emotions in healthier ways so they don’t take me down the same destructive path.

The Holidays That Broke Me

The 2019 holiday season was supposed to be a time to lean on family—but instead, I used it as an excuse to escape my emotions. My grandfather had passed away shortly before the holidays, and I was living in Colorado, deep in active alcoholism.

When I flew home to Tucson to spend Christmas with my family, I was physically there but mentally checked out. I was drunk the entire time. Instead of grieving with my family or being present for the people I loved, I numbed myself completely. I drank from the moment I woke up to the time I went to bed. I don’t remember much from that trip, and that’s something I’ve had to carry with me ever since.

I flew back to Colorado right after Christmas—probably to avoid dealing with the reality of how I was feeling. One week later, I got a DUI. That moment forced me to confront what my drinking had become, but it also left me feeling more ashamed and lost than ever.

Why Post-Holiday Depression Hits Hard

For me, the post-holiday crash has always been tough, but it became even harder after that year. The reminders of what I lost—time with my family, trust, and connection—used to send me spiraling.

The holidays have this way of amplifying emotions. You feel the highs when things are good, but the lows hit even harder when things aren’t. Once the celebrations end and the decorations come down, it’s easy to feel empty—especially when you’re sitting with regret or unresolved grief.

That’s what used to lead me back to drinking. Instead of dealing with those emotions, I buried them. And after the holidays ended, I’d feel even more isolated and hopeless than before.

Managing Post-Holiday Depression in Recovery

Now that I’m in recovery, I’ve had to learn how to face the post-holiday blues head-on without turning to alcohol. It hasn’t been easy, but these are some of the things that have made a big difference for me:

1. Reflect, Don’t Dwell
   I’ve learned to sit with my emotions instead of running from them. Reflecting on my grandfather’s passing and the mistakes I made in 2019 doesn’t mean I have to dwell in shame. Instead, I use it as a reminder of how far I’ve come and a reason to keep moving forward.
2. Stay Connected
   After the holidays, it’s tempting to retreat and isolate, but that’s when I need connection the most. I make it a point to reach out to friends, attend meetings, or spend time with people who support my recovery.
3. Focus on Routines
   The holidays are filled with chaos—travel, gatherings, and disrupted schedules. Once they’re over, getting back to a routine helps me feel grounded. I focus on my marathon training, eating well, and prioritizing rest to keep my mind and body balanced.
4. Grieve in Healthy Ways
   I still feel the loss of my grandfather around the holidays, but instead of numbing that grief, I’ve started honoring it. Whether it’s lighting a candle, writing in a journal, or just talking about him with family, I’ve learned that feeling the grief is better than burying it.
5. Set New Goals
   After the holidays, I make it a point to set new goals that give me something to focus on. This year, it’s running a marathon—something I’ve wanted to do for years but never could when I was drinking. Having a goal to work toward keeps me focused and gives me a sense of purpose when the winter months feel heavy.

Healing Doesn’t Happen Overnight

Looking back at the 2019 holidays still stings. I can’t go back and change the way I showed up—or didn’t show up—for my family during that time. I can’t undo the DUI or erase the feelings of guilt and regret I carried for so long. But what I can do is keep showing up now.

Recovery has taught me that healing takes time. It’s not about pretending the past didn’t happen—it’s about learning from it and using it as fuel to keep moving forward.